When negative emotions come up in our lives, there is no choice but to deal with them in one way or another.
No one is free from ever feeling negative emotions.
Negative emotions affect every area of our lives. That’s why it is so important to acknowledge them and find healthy ways of coping with them.
Common ways of Dealing with Negative emotions
1) Addictions
Addictions are the most common ways people deal with negative emotions. Almost everyone has at least one of what I refer to as “the big 4” addictions…
- Junk Food
- Alcohol
- CIgarettes
- Marijuana
Other common but less prevalent addictions include gambling, shopping, hard drugs, sex, and hoarding. Of course there are an infinite number of other addictions.
It is completely normal to seek refuge from negative emotions through addiction as engaging in these behaviors provides immediate relief from painful emotions.
The problem in relying on addictions to soothe negative emotions is that the relief is only temporary.
When the substance wears off, the negative emotion returns. And each time, more of the same substance is required to get the same amount of relief.
It goes without saying that these behaviors eventually take a toll on our bodies, wallets, and personal relationships.
2) Outside Validation
Many people seek relief from negative emotions from validation from others.
Much like addictions, this is only temporary.
Some people seek validation through money and career status. Others seek validation through attention for their looks.
Sympathy from others is also a form of validation. Some people gain sympathy by getting sick all the time or constantly complaining about maladies or unfortunate events.
This is not to say that everyone who is sick is trying to gain sympathy. But sometimes children who only received attention when they were sick or injured can carry that behavior into adulthood.
There is nothing wrong with having goals and appreciating praise and attention, but it only provide a temporary relief from negative emotions.
You can get the best job and still find other people who are doing better. Quite literally super models are jealous of other super models.
My Personal Story…
When I was younger and played music for a living, I was repeatedly told how beautiful and talented I was. I had a constant stream of validation.
When I was playing music I felt wonderful, but when I went home I felt terrible.
My personal life was a testimonial to how I felt about myself. I was in an abusive relationship and barely scraping by financially no matter how hard I worked.
It wasn’t until then that I understood how famous people could be unhappy. I realized that no amount of attention from the outside world was going to make me happy.
I am not saying that having goals and being ambitious is a bad thing. It’s just that nothing in the outside world will replace having negative thoughts about yourself.
4 Tips to Deal with Negative Emotions
1) Acknowledge the Negative Emotions
The first step to dealing with negative emotions is to acknowledge that they exist and they are valid.
Oftentimes parents tell their children that they should not feel or express their negative emotions. Some parents even punish their children for feeling emotions.
For instance, a child might feel angry and say something like “I hate you” to their parent.
The parent might respond angrily and say how bad it is that the child would say something so hurtful.
Rather than acknowledging the child’s feelings and asking them questions, they are piling on a feeling of guilt.
When people refer to “toxic Positivity” they are not really talking about being positive and feeling good. They are talking about repressing and ignoring emotions.
I don’t believe there is such a thing as “Toxic Positivity.”
Because when you are pretending to be happy when you are sad and putting on a fake facade, this is not actually being positive.
Abraham Hicks describes pretending to feel good when you are not like putting a smiley face over an empty gas icon.
It is very hard to deal with negative emotions if you are in denial of having them.
Identify the Negative Emotion
Instead of pushing down the negative emotion you are feeling, try to identify it.
Don’t judge yourself for feeling the emotions. Feeling negative emotions does not mean you are a bad person. Nor does it mean that you are not spiritual.
Look at your negative emotion as a hurt child that needs to be comforted. Rather than berating that child for feeling a certain way, think of it as your job to soothe that child.
2) Work with your beliefs
Negative beliefs are at the root of Negative Emotions.
If we don’t change beliefs we will be stuck with whatever we adopted in childhood.
Let’s face it, the majority of the people on the planet right now feel like they are not good enough and don’t deserve love.
If everyone was happy and we all loved each other the world would be a much different place.
People wouldn’t be arguing at stop lights or shooting each other over parking spaces.
Negative beliefs ourselves are at the root of negative emotions.
Three of the most common negative beliefs are:
- I’m not worthy
- I’m not good enough (attractive, intelligent, etc.)
- I can’t have the things I want
Ask yourself honestly what you believe to be true about yourself.
Do you think you deserve to have the things you want in life? Do you feel worthy of love?
The purpose of this exercise is not to judge yourself, but simply to be aware of how you feel about yourself.
Locating the negative beliefs about yourself is the first step in changing them.
If you are reading this article, I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve heard about negative beliefs.
In my experience, they don’t always change overnight, but there are ways of “softening” them.
Some Exercises to soften negative beliefs
1) Acknowledge that believing something doesn’t make it true
Just because you believe something to be true, doesn’t mean it is true.
Rather than saying “I’m not good enough,” say “I don’t believe I’m good enough, but that doesn’t mean it’s true.”
2) Ask yourself what it would feel like to not believe the negative belief
What would it feel like to believe you were worthy?
How would someone good enough feel?
What would it be like to be a capable person?
3) Set an Intention to Change the Belief
You might not be able to change the belief right away, but telling yourself that you want to change the belief is the first step.
For instance you could tell yourself things like…
“I might not believe I’m worthy, but I want to feel worthy.”
“I no longer need to believe that I am guilty all the time.”
“I believe I’ll never have the things I want in life, but that doesn’t mean it is true.”
3) Change your Focus
Whatever you focus on expands. Be honest about what you are focusing on throughout the day.
Are you thinking about all the bad decisions you made, or the people who wronged you?
If you are constantly focusing on negative aspects about yourself and the world, you will feel negative emotions.
Make a decision to focus a little less on negative things and a little more on positive things.
Practical Way to Change your Focus:
Everytime you think of someone who wronged or betrayed you, think of someone who helped you or inspired you in some way
Make a list of positive things in your life. Even if it is as simple as being able to eat everyday.
Look for beautiful things in your environment, such as flowers or animals.
These exercises might seem silly or childish, but by doing them you are rewiring your brain to look for positive things.
4) Change you Inner State:
Over time, negative emotions get stored in the body. This is why positive thinking doesn’t always work right away.
There is no one size solution to dealing and changing negative emotions.
Very few people are fortunate enough to have had all their needs met in childhood. When you start to feel inadequate at a very young age that belief gets hard wired into the body and brain.
Situations in adulthood cement that belief even further.
Neuroplasticity is gaining more and more popularity.
It studies the brain’s remarkable ability to rewire and change at any age.
I have found meditation invaluable in changing my inner state when simply positive thinking did nothing.
Meditation is a great way of separating from a less than ideal outer reality.
Everything we want, including relief from negative emotions, is to achieve a particular state of mind.
Before I go into meditation, I ask myself how I would like to feel. Then I separate myself from my body and my environment and deliberately put pictures of what I want my world to look like.
Over time I have been able to achieve an ideal state of mind more effectively.
Of course it is easier to feel positive when things in the outside world are working well, but this is obviously not always the case.
Dealing with negative emotions is not always easy, but it is essential to living a satisfying life.
Learning to deal with negative emotions increases emotional intelligence which leads to more satisfying and lasting relationships.
In my opinion, it is well worth the effort!
Need some Guidance in your journey….
I am a life coach specializing in happiness and life purpose.
Because I believe everyone needs and goals are different I offer as little or as many sessions as needed.
For a free 15 minute consultation e-mail me at aglassofcheri@gmail.com
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