Learning how to listen starts with a genuine desire to understand what people are experiencing.
To really listen you must be willing to put aside your own judgements and opinions to hear what someone is actually trying to communicate.
I always considered myself a good listener, but it wasn’t until I lived with a listening coach that I learned what listening actually is.
The fact is, most “normal” conversation doesn’t include a lot of listening.
Listening is not asking questions or sharing similar stories, nor is it waiting for someone to speak so you can offer a different opinion.
There is nothing wrong with any of this, but active listening is a very different way of communicating.
Benefits of Listening:
- It Strengthens Relationships:
It is a universal human need to feel that what we have to say is valid and worth being heard. Listening helps maintain friendships and intimate relationships.
- It can Diffuse Disagreements:
Arguments are almost never resolved in the heat of the moment because neither person is listening to what the other person has to say.
Active listening can shed new light on difficult subjects.
It is much easier to come up with a solution when both parties know what the other side really wants, and why.
- Listening Improves your Social Life:
No-one wants to spend much time with someone who never listens.
People can tell when someone really cares what they have to say.
Listening provides an environment where people can express what they feel without fear of being judged.
This makes it much easier to get along with others which is beneficial for many reasons.
Two Methods of Listening
1) Active Listening
Active listening is very structured. It can be used to diffuse disagreements, or to simply gain a better connection with another person/s.
How to Practice Active Listening
1) Pick a place to meet and a specific amount of time where there will be no outside influences.
2) Set a designated amount for each person to do the talking. During this time the listener/s must remain quiet. It helps to have a mediator present, as people new to this process might have a hard time not interrupting.
3) When the person is done speaking the job of the listener is to say what they believe the speaker was trying to communicate.
Start with phrases like:
“I feel like you are saying….”
“What I am hearing you say is…..”
Do not do the following:
- Ask Questions
- Give your Opinion
- Offer Solutions
- Share a Similar Story
- Argue with what the Person in Saying
- Try to Change the Person’s Opinion
You may not agree with what the person is saying. You may even find it offensive. None of that matters.
While the other person is doing the speaking, It is important to put your own opinions aside and simply focus on what that person is trying to communicate.
4) Now it is the speakers turn to say whether or not they feel heard.
If the speaker does not feel like they have been heard, then that person can talk again. When the speaker feels like they have been heard, it is time for the next person to speak.
This method works when there are arguments or disagreements. It can be used for couples or friends, or in work places.
This may seem really simple, but the results can be profound.
It will say that it helps to have a listening coach present to make sure that it is done correctly at first, especially if one or more people present are not seasoned in the process.
Casual Listening
I refer to non active listening as casual listening.
During casual listening you are still intending to understand what a person is trying to communicate while refraining from asking questions or passing judgment.
As in active listening, when the person is done talking you simply repeat back to them what you think they were trying to communicate.
This can be done literally anywhere.
Communicating in this manner tends to build a good rapport with people.
This is often taught in sales because when people feel listened to they tend to trust that person, and are therefore more likely to buy from them.
Listening is a form of communication that is not usually taught.
I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with “normal” modes of communication. I like asking questions and sharing similar stories with people.
Debating with other people can be fun too, as long is there is not any hostility involved.
And of course there is listening involved in most everyday conversation.
The only difference with active listening, the focus is more on the message that someone is trying to portray.
Equal Airtime is Important
I have learned to incorporate listening into my everyday conversation.
However, it is important that there is equal airtime between the listening and the speaker.
Everyone loves being listened to and if you practice casual listening you will find that it is hard for some people to stop talking.
While it is important to listen to others, it is also important to surround yourself with others who listen.
After you learn how to listen you can find your own balance and use the skill when you find fit.
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