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There are many Reasons why it’s Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship
People often wonder why it is so hard for people to leave abusive relationships. Victims are seen as crazy for staying in such hostile situations.
Many people assume that people who stay in abusive relationships are just afraid of being alone, or that they are not smart enough to realize what’s going on.
The truth is a victim/abuser relationship is very complex and leaving is not as easy as it seems to people on the outside of it.
Having experienced abusive relationships myself and talked to many other people involved in them, I’ve found there are many reasons that it is so hard to leave.
These are nine of the main reasons I’ve found it is hard to leave abusive relationships.
1) The Abuse does not Start Right away in the Relationship
It is very seldom that an abusive person shows his/her true colors at first. They can actually be charming and affectionate at first meeting and sometimes well into a relationship.
The abuse starts out infrequent and is followed by profuse apologies that make it hard for the victim to leave.
Once a small amount of abuse, whether it’s physical or emotional, is forgiven, it is easier to forgive the next time it happens.
The more someone becomes accustomed to the abuse, the more normal it becomes.
It is important to note that physical abuse often doesn’t occur until well into a relationship. It often begins with emotional abuse in the form of put downs and criticism.
2) There are other People Involved
Ofentimes leaving an abusive relationship is much more complicated than just walking away from one person.
The victim may have kids with the abuser or even be attached to the children of the abuser. In that case, leaving the abuser would also mean abandoning the children.
Friend groups are often entwined in relationships so leaving the abuser would also mean leaving friends behind. The victim could also be part of the abuser’s family.
Whatever the case, it is rarely simply a matter of leaving one person behind.
3) The Abuser is the Main Person in the Victim’s Life
Very often in an abusive relationship the victim cuts ties with their friends and family.
This leads to nearly complete isolation with the abuser. The more the victim becomes entwined with their abuser, the harder it is to leave.
This is just human nature. It is perfectly normal for a bond to be formed, even if it is not a healthy one.
4) The Abuser is not Always Abusive
I believe this is one of the main reasons it is so hard to leave abusive relationships. People are complex. No one can be abusive all of the time.
There are still good times in abusive relationships and the more time the victim spends in the relationship, the more they get to know that person.
The victim might be determined to leave the relationship in one minute and then find themselves enjoying being around the abuser.
There might be a show they both enjoy watching, or an activity they enjoy doing together.
Even very intelligent, critical thinking people are guided by their emotions. Abusers seem to intuitively know when to show affection, even if its just enough to get the victim to stay.
Leaving an abusive person is not just leaving the abuse, it is leaving the good moments as well.
5) The Victim sees Themselves as the Problem
Often victims think that if they change the abuse will stop. This is because the abuser cites the abuse as being the fault of the victim.
For instance, the victim is told if they were more available or gave the abuser more attention, then the abuse would stop.
Sometimes the victim is told they are being abused because they are not making enough money.
Even if the victim is able to change and appease their partner, another reason pops up. There is always the promise of the abuse ending if they do more and this keeps people trapped in the cycle.
6) Victims Feel like they would be Abandoning their Abuser if they Left
This is a big reason why it’s hard to leave abusive relationships. I’ve seen it in so many unhealthy relationships.
Oftentimes the victim feels like leaving their abuser would be like abandoning a child.
They see the vulnerable person behind all the abuse and want to save that person. Seeing their abuses suffer is more painful than to put up with the abuse in the current situation.
They feel like it is their duty to save the person abusing them and to leave would be giving up their purpose.
This runs very deep and I believe it is one of the main reasons it is so hard to leave. It almost becomes the victims life purpose to protect the person, no matter how severe the abuse.
7) It can be Dangerous to Leave
Victims obviously are aware that the person they are with can be violent and that leaving could endanger their lives.
This is not just paranoia. Many people, both women and men, have been hurt, or even murdered, when trying to leave an abusive relationship.
Leaving an abusive relationship is not as simple as telling that person you want to leave. The victim may even fear for the people helping them get out of the situation.
Oftentimes leaving necesitates calling the police and getting a restraining order. It is very seldom something that can be done easily.
8) The victim may Fear not Being Capable of Taking care of Themselves without their Partner
Sometimes victims are financially dependent on their abusers and do not believe they can take care of themselves without that person.
They may also fear they will be alone and never find anyone else.
These are all real fears and can make it very hard to leave.
9) Victims sometimes Believe they are not Worthy of Anything Better
People often go from one abusive relationship to another because at their core they don’t believe they deserve any better.
I’ve found that many people involved in abusive relationships put other people’s needs above their own. The victim feels his or her needs are not as important as their partners.
People with this mindset of putting other people’s needs above their own tend to attract people with the opposite tendency to expect other people to sacrifice everything to take care of their own needs.
With that mindset it is nearly impossible to leave an abusive relationship.
Resources for people Struggling with Abusive Relationships
While leaving an abusive relationship is extrememly hard, there are resources available.
This hotline offers support for people in abusive relationships.
Therapy can be effective in working through underlying issues. Here is a list of licensed online therapists.
There are online courses for people who are trying to leave relationships (and people that have already left and are dealing with the emotional pain associated bing in an abusive relationship.
This course is designed for people trying to heal from narcisstic abuse. The Narcisstic Trauma Recovery Program Is designed to help victims work through the shame and low self worth that often comes as a result of being in abusive relationships.
If you decide to walk away from an abusive relationship, make sure you keep yourself safe. If someone is violent, I highly recommend not letting them you know you are leaving.
Ask your friends and family for support, and make your safety a priority.
Too many people have lost their lives or becomes seriously injured by confronting their abusers.
If someone is normally angry, this is excerbated when they feel they are losing the person they are so used to controlling.
Leaving an abusive relationship is not cut and dry…
If it was, people would leave as soon as the abuse started.
Whether you are in an abusive relationship or know someone who is, it is important to understand that it is not alway easy to simply walk away.
Besides the physical barriers there are many emotional ones and those can be difficult to overcome.
In a way the abuser is also a victim because they often feel the same kind of powerlessness. Otherwise else they would not be trying to overpower someone else.
While I don’t have all the solutions, I think it’s important to acknowledge the complexities involved and not simply judge people that for whatever reason, are not ready to leave.
There are issues much more complex beneath the surface that often need to be addressed first.
In my own experience, I had to acknowledge my own worth and start to really love myself before I was able to attract more healthy relationships into my life.
While I always encourage people to leave abusive relationships I understand that is is much more complex than it seems on the surface.
Feel free to email me at aglassofcheri@gmail.com with any questions.